How to survive Thanksgiving

Headed home for Thanksgiving but dreading the inevitable clash between liberals and conservatives? Worried that this year’s election results will make the dinner table even more tense than usual? FIRE has just the solution.

For years, our Let’s Talk program has supported civil discourse on college campuses. This holiday season, we want to share some insights from that program with everyone who’s dreading the fallout from Uncle Bob’s hot takes over cranberry sauce. Disagreement doesn’t have to mean conflict. Rather, it can be the beginning of mutual understanding. Here are our top tips to facilitate positive dialogue across differences at your holiday supper this year.

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Lead with gratitude to establish common ground

More likely than not, you will have disagreements with some of the folks sitting beside you at the Thanksgiving table. But civil discourse is not about winning people to your side. It is about increasing goodwill toward diverse perspectives, and getting a better idea of where other people’s points of view come from. Approaching disagreement with gratitude for the conversation itself is a winning strategy. 

To be clear: if you find someone’s viewpoint personally abhorrent, you don’t have to agree with them just to diffuse the tension. You can simply express your gratitude for their honesty about where they stand. 

“Thank you for sharing,” is a nice way to begin. 

This Thanksgiving is an opportunity for all of us to agree that the First Amendment is something to be thankful for.

Acknowledging that you all agree on your right to disagree can establish common ground. If someone is sharing their strongly-held beliefs with you, they likely believe in open discourse and free expression. You might say, “Well, we don’t agree on that issue, but it does sound like we feel the same way about the importance of open dialogue.” 

Or, try saying, “Isn’t it great that you and I live in a country where our right to disagree is protected by the Constitution?” Then, you can delve into the specifics of your differing beliefs from a vantage of common ground.

Follow these four rules for constructive conversation

As the conversation flows, you can steer it toward a meaningful exchange of ideas, rather than letting it devolve into personal attacks. In the New York Times bestseller “The Coddling of the American Mind,” FIRE President and CEO Greg Lukianoff and psychologist Jonathan Haidt draw from the expertise of psychologist Adam Grant in their advice about how to lead productive discussions:

1. Frame any discussion as a debate, rather than a conflict.
2. Argue as if you’re right, but listen as if you’re wrong.
3. Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective.
4. Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.

Remember that you can be a positive role model for other people on how to engage in civil discourse. By treating others with respect, even if they don’t respond in kind, you increase the odds of future positive exchanges and serve as an example for others around you to emulate.

Manage emotional temperatures for reasoned dialogue

When people feel threatened, their defense mechanisms kick in and they may become resistant to civil discourse. This often happens in heated conversation if one person feels outmatched, embarrassed, or unable to defend themselves. When people become frustrated and upset, they may lash out at others. A spike in emotional temperature draws out irrational passions rather than reason. You can strive to maintain a cordial climate at Thanksgiving, since overheated emotions can undermine effective discussion.

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In order to help manage the emotional temperature, here are some open-ended questions and turns of phrase that may help drive the conversation in a different direction:

• “Why do you think that?”
• “Have you considered…?”
• “Do you have a source that will teach me more about that perspective?”
• "I wonder what you think about the idea that...."
• “I read an article with a different view. The author said…”
• “Not everyone agrees; for instance, so-and-so thinks…”

You can also make these neutral statements to help cool the emotional temperature in the room:

• “Hmm…that's an interesting idea.”
• “That’s been getting a lot of attention lately, huh?”
• “I might have to give that some thought.”
• “I hear you.”
• “I never heard that before.”
• “I’m not sure I agree with you, but you’ve given me something to think about.”

Remember that you and those around you are engaging in an opportunity to understand each other better. Sometimes all it takes is a few words to remind everyone of that fact. No matter where the conversation takes you, FIRE has your back. For more guidelines on civil discourse, check out the rest of FIRE’s Let’s Talk materials.

Remember the reason for the season

Although some say that the “First Thanksgiving” is mostly myth, the storybook idea of Thanksgiving as an open-hearted meeting between two disparate and often clashing groups captures the spirit of civil discourse. Even the holiday itself is contested, with some preferring to honor the memory of Native Americans instead of the story of the First Thanksgiving, which experts say has been embellished since Abraham Lincoln first declared it a national holiday in 1863. For many Native Americans, the holiday is instead a “National Day of Mourning.” These tensions and differences alone can be a prompt for civil discourse, and a way to demonstrate the many points of view which animate our pluralistic democracy.

If we can reiterate our gratitude to be able to break bread with those we disagree with, we may find ourselves achieving mutual understanding rather than receiving personal attacks — and most importantly, we’ll find ourselves making a civic contribution to the foundation of our democracy: Pluralistic liberty lived through the free exchange of ideas. 

This Thanksgiving is an opportunity for all of us to agree that the First Amendment is something to be thankful for.

Interested in starting a Let’s Talk group on your college campus, or in hosting a civil discourse workshop presented by FIRE staffers? Get in touch with FIRE’s Engagement and Mobilization team.